morning

my alarm this calamitous disco music jarring upbeat jingle clanking wails waking to scratchy throats stalesness and your unsettling w

o

    r

d

    s

 

i

i'm not thinking 

about 

anything

because this is not really where i'm going to be

so fly in his silver bow tie

swinging arms, shoulders gyrating

my arms flap absurdly

the pain, this sickness dissipates in the sun -

 your warm sun my burnt amber, my head throbs your head stops

let me

lie in the sun some more, stare

at my maroon toes think 

of you not thinking about me about the vines around your face the 

wine that twines around your head you're far away driven far away farther away 

my sunglasses have snapped the bombs are going off around me the same songs are playing and now i'm just lost in the some flakes some sickness 

maybe

sorrow isn't nearly enough. 

business as usual.

thereI heard about a quiet girl who ate

24 bananas

she walked past me, belching melodically  

cleared the dishes 

fed the dog with a knife and fork

her thin arms hanging down beside her 

and her stomach wriggling

over the top of her pants

 her food baby/ the silent life

 she made up for

 banging around in her belly

the oranges will be here soon

reading wittgenstein is like walking wading fighting through glue, through honey (the kind she spreads through her hair? maybe like navigating through her honeyed hair) and to suddenly find yourself flapping your arms absurdly because the glue's gone, you're alone and naked and trying to swim your way across, to not drown in an empty pool--

then dancing: the one im scared of is the one who makes you dance, flap flap swing bring you here spin you there fling your arms wriggle your legs remember all these parts of your body you didn't know existed --but you can't remember them then can you?-   its hopping jumping swinging in the middle of a hundred people who are just watching

one more thing to tell you:

the weather 

it is here

an urchin inspector.

her feet acquired a curious  luminosity- she spent days staring wriggling flexing holding back and forth, so much beauty? appearing so late? these milestones will strangle you, you want them to strangle you but really it's you choking yourself, on one long empty road as you fight off bats and yell in the dark, because everyone has walked on. they waited and you refused to ketch-up.

anger, sickness. you're already free! a ginger cat walks past you, stalks you- you miss the cats don't you? black cats in your  cupboard (he's bobbing past on water now), then the spotted tom who followed you home.

then the dreams- no turtle ships on water, no techinicoloured havens. instead a snarling monkey, a  dog who saves you, then chomps up your arm. flying past: everything you've forgotten to carry, an army of lost and founds.  remember the leopard? so gently, hugely, it stalked up to me, gravely grabbed my arm in its mouth. I stood watching in fascination, alarms bells faintly ringing in my head: you should be screaming, this should be hurting why aren't you worried? the alarm bells always sounds like my mother. 

then sex, it always comes down to maulings and sex. and the  flowered armchair in the doorway to an office building. first: the prepubescent boy, a penis envy so clear it could only be false, why would my subconscious yell at me like this? spell things out so simply. seems suspect, should be suspect.

but then that's your greatest fear isn't it? the boredom you exude. the lady who read your palm, looked at your face and shrugged, smiling. nothing there. thankyou very much, maybe you should go home now. 

a weighty cross to bear.

me more about you? I want to take you to a meal, sit with you across a table think think think od something more to say  

(she talks like a knife)

do you

brush your teeth twice a day? listen when I breathe? watch me smile, because I smile slowly just for you, replace that with conversation, unfold like a cracker in midair. then I think of you in golden sunlight, words invented my life course life source has disappeared melted in the rain,

give me something to think about? 

hello.

I remember best of all
that which has been before. happened before you came
here because in another time
you and I leant into each other, your perfectly shaped head
fit into my hands. a look across a table and i know
you watch the whites of my eyes.
my backward turned head nervous edgy looking turning yearning learning so much
about my insides
the hypocrisy that crumbles insides like
rust and then you are like cellotape tearing away, giving way. a call from a nose, across oceans and toes.

my toes are the colour of my skin now.

then i think of you, wait for your absence to hit me like a punch to the stomach, wind evacuated from my my solar plexus, chakra centre kundalini centre but that's your behind is itnot?

tell me more about what you think of?

what do you do with your own flesh andblood leave? love hate in fearful disdain? bewildered exhaustion?


I like tables, I like it when you tap my head. I like being melancholy, and the man in
striped pyjamas who made me think of you and me.

froggone forlorn

where do you think we went wrong?

I lie in my bed, masturbating to my own death. the final kaboom in everyones face, the inky lines in the newspaper/ the wrath of the weather the pain the ankles linked and all falling down, all in one big kabhooshwhooshbhooshshh.

the lists don't make sense in the end. I want to feel this pain, life is feeling one pain to another? then where does the rest fit in? what am i leeving for? unless this is time, the time, for me to stop and forget.

the lists are going to be thrown away. i have decided. now you must go and fly into my earlobes. out of my skin, stretching, pulling, pushin g.

the pills. they are done for. she asked me what was wrong, promised to spend time with me.

I will be free! The thought is terrifying. "now who are these people? is he really more important than me??"

no nothing ever is more / disgusting / than
the thought that I might have to live like that
hypocrite!
your slithy toves
glimmer above
my head, a slap, a slap !
a midnight car chase;
it all happened, i was there (no you weren't i was wasn't was. not. yet.)
we go back, a long way.

we go back and if I could go
back
I would run.

but then I wasn't ever given much of a choice was I?

its this, your love? Is this it? I know I am here, you feed me clothe me, my whizzing brain can't look beyond your ridiculous arguments, but that's only because I'm rusty, born rusty- more slow than what you kno.w

another boy, another bore.crying? that's annoying.


now I feel blood itching to be spilt- wanting needing feeling this urge to coagulate under smoky skies


I alone?
I am alone. You would leave me? In the dark, on this stage? my faithful commander is alone, in his head. His eyes fixed on a distant star, teeth clenched in a grimace. lips curl to smile but I see the blood from his gums. from his lips. from the clenching, unclenching, biting pushing shoving.

how doe I knoe you ? howe doe I care?

How inconsistant can you be?

I'm ill. mediclaiming lies medicalamitous alibis

this is all I have left, throwing them into the atmosphere thinking of them hurtling towards you

(and I see giant black thirdworld letters bonking you on your head; elegant, so suave, all those clothes that I cried over, as I watched you try them out hanging off your perfect frame.)

I know no other! is this love, then? here? in this recapturing of smooth skin. soft bristles. dead toes and the smell. the rain. water on our back. mirrors, yellow light, to and fro fro to fro to back here there come.

don't leave!

(but you must!)